So comes snow after fire

Day 21: Quite a few people do actually. My parents and sisters, my roomie, my friend M, everyone I am friends with on fetlife because I am open with my kinky peeps about my illness, a few other close vanilla friends, and then of course everyone who sees my stuff on tumblr. lol.

Obviously there are people who don’t need to know, or don’t need to know right away. I feel that because I am in a somewhat more stable of a place (especially compared to a year ago) that I don’t need to tell some people. There is too much of a negative stigma associated with the illness and I don’t like feeling judged or having assumptions made about me.

I saw this and decided to do it, so I’ll be playing catch up.

Day 1: The last time I was really angry…well I guess the last time I was super raged was when my tire became flat and needed to be changed. A stud sheared and walmart said they couldn’t fix it. I went in my car and screamed, yelled and growled every obscenity I knew. I also made some up. I was so angry at their incompetence and inability to help me.

Day 2: My last friendship ended because the girl was bullying me. She called me names and made me feel so uncomfortable I would pick different paths around campus to avoid her. She spread rumors and lies about me to people I didn’t know and made me sound like a nasty dirty person. I even tried to save the friendship because I was looking for the best, but I am glad that she isn’t in my life.

Day 3: I did self harm through cutting, sometimes burning, scratching or food restriction. I would eat all at once and then not eat for hours until my stomach hurt so badly I couldn’t stand it. Now I don’t cut, or anything like that. But I do sometimes struggle with the whole food thing. I’ll overeat every now and then and throw up or not eat for hours. I’m working on it though.

Day 4: Yes. I have had a few thoughts of suicide, several plans/half way attempts and one actual attempt. I would contemplate jumping, cutting, running in front of a car, etc, but my actual attempt involved various pills. Luckily it failed.

Day 5: Several. First one was when I was 12 and the last one when I was 19.

Day 6: My love life is awful, complicated, and I wish it was a good one. I have had way too many one night stands, guys who haven’t cared and one good boyfriend who died. So…yeah…currently I am sleeping with a guy but idk what is going to happen with that.

Day 7: Yes. I do frequently, I’ll feel unreal, spacey and odd. It’s hard to describe but it’s concerning at times. Especially if I’m doing something important like class, work, or driving.

Day 8: I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Day 9: Holy mother of god yes! I can swing all over the emotional spectrum. Lately though I’ve been relatively stable. Until today. Today was a swingy day.

Day 10: I’ve bought plane tickets, engaged in risky sex, bought things for no reason, spent money I couldn’t afford to spend, done drugs/drank at inappropriate times, I’ve made impulsive decisions that have ended very badly…though some do end well.

Day 11: I will breathe, walk, talk out what is going on with a friend, I listen to music, surf the internet or lie in bed and relax.

Day 12: I used to have an awful relationship with my family, my Dad and I fought badly, I hated and loved him. I felt like I was never good enough. My mom and I were close ish but not really. Hated my youngest sister and loved my middle one most of the time. Now my Dad and I get along great, my mom and I talk almost everyday and all of us kiddos get along well.

Day 13: I can be a perfectionist at times. I am particular about my performance at work. I cannot mess up or I’m devastated, I need to get good grades, I’m not a perfectionist when it comes to keeping my room clean or doing laundry on time though lol.

Day 14: Obsessive is my middle name. I obsess about things easily and frequently. Whether it’s something I’ve said, done, read, seen, or something someone else has done, said, witnessed, etc. Especially if it’s negative, or hurtful or worries me, I will fixate. Or if it’s to do with a guy I’m seeing. I’ll obsess over everything. :/

Day 15: All. The. Time. I’m trying so hard though to stick to my guns. It can be difficult. I just want people to like me.

Day 16: Eh, not really. I will obsess/fixate on a style though. I go through phases. Currently I am obsessed with yoga pants, sports bras, comfy shirts, and headbands. I also am going through a no/minimal makeup hair doing phase which is getting close to turning into a full face well done hair phase. Yoga pants are staying though. I do dye my hair frequently, but I like the highlights. It may stay that way.

Day 17: My five biggest fears are honestly probably rejection, being alone/abandoned, spiders/leaches/heights, drowning, and clowns.

Day 18: All the fucking time. I am scared that people hate me, think I’m weird or stupid, and don’t want me around.

Day 19: Lyrics…hmmm Well probably this most of all.

“And my head told my heart
“Let love grow”
But my heart told my head
“This time no
This time no”   Winter Winds - Mumford and Sons

Day 20: I guess with words. I don’t really do anything artistic. I should though.

He said maybe.

Which means no.

Awesome.

….And now I feel silly because he just texted me that he was sleeping and is making food now.

After I felt an incredible rage that he was on facebook.

Lord help me.

update

just asked if he wanted to get together and have sex possibly. expecting a no…because thats how i am.

So I have been feeling pretty good lately. Very few moments where my borderline emerges. Emotions were relatively stable.

I’d get crabby, upset, sad, happy, etc and felt like maybe I was finally having more normal reactions.

But I’ve been kinda worried about my interpersonal relationship stuff. I am getting better with my friends/coworkers/family/strangers. I am less likely to assume everyone hates me and talks about me. (less likely..but god damn it still happens a lot, make it stop? k?)

Then I got involved with my friends roomie. He’s hot. Strong. Bruised me all over from wrestling and fucking. It was awesome. There are some parts of sex that can be worked on, he’s a little rough with his hands down there, but most men are. And I guess my lady parts are kinda sensitive. But other than that, the sex is awesome.

But I feel the little borderline monster peeking out. Already the fear of him not wanting to fuck me is emerging, the fear of him not being attracted, of finding something better.

BUT we’re just friends that are having sex. Which is good, and fine, and ok with me. And these insecurities and abandonment issues need to get the fuck out right now.

The borderline is terrified of his rejection. I’ve started seeing the neutral expressions as negative and I’m trying to quell those stupid assumptions of his thoughts that my brain is making up.

Stupid brain.

I guess the best plan of action is to play it cool, be myself and when my borderline starts to yell it’s unhelpful things, tell it to be quiet and go do something else. lol

I hate that I’m already bothered by him not texting me back.

This morning he woke up and left, then i grabbed my things and left his apartment to do my laundry and other things, texted him that no one is at my house and a few hours later sent another message saying he should come watch a movie if he was bored.

Haven’t heard anything back, of course he’s probably busy or something, I can’t send any more messages or it looks desperate and creepy.

So I have to wait, which I’m bad at. I mean, last night he said he was going to fuck me today, tomorrow, the next day, etc (we almost didn’t bang last night cause my period decided to suddenly sort of start. he’s not into parting the red sea sadly.)

Fuck. ^this is what I mean. My brain is over thinking and my emotions are running high. I’m not going to be dating the kid or anything, but I do attach quite quickly. Which is stupid.

UGHHH